Tolly & Jasper: The Reunion

It had been a long day. Tolly worked late, so I had to order dinner for us. Stupid no using the kitchen rule. But, I got our favorite lasagna from Teccadaro, so that made it a win. Filling and cheap, which was always a bonus.

“Good night, Tolly,” I said as I flicked off the lights.

“Good night, sweetheart,” he replied on a yawn. “Oh, before I forget, your phone rang while you were in the back. It was your mom, saying she’s going to be in town tomorrow and wants to stop by to see you. I gave her the address and directions on how to get here.”

I bolted out of bed. “What? What do you mean she’s going to be here tomorrow?” Sweat dribbled down my neck. Beyond an occasional card, I hadn’t heard from her in practically forever. “You’re joking, right? Messing with me?”

He turned his bedside light on and sat up. “Hm? No, why?”

Since dad left us, Mom had been become a free spirit, going wherever the wind took her. On the cheap, because money we did not have. Cody and I were shipped to Grandma’s house while Mom was on the road. It wasn’t terrible, though. I did learn one thing important. Grandma was the one who taught our mom to cook. That’s to say, she was pretty bad at it. Cody took over the cooking duties, and even though his skills were rudimentary, he was really good at it. If you’ve never had a hot dog and cheese omelette, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Anyway, we hadn’t heard from her beyond postcards she mailed to Grandma for a few years. She told us she was having an amazing time, and that she’d be home one day, but wasn’t sure when. Cody, Grams, and I? We didn’t blame her. Our father had been a horrible, abusive man. Cody, even though he was still a kid, had been my protector, but Mom had been his. She’d taken several beatings meant for one of us. Her having black eyes and broken bones weren’t unknown, but in typical fashion, it was always a trip or a run in with a cabinet door. He never allowed her to have friends, always controlling everything, so no one questioned it. As for us, even as kids, we weren’t stupid. We knew he was hurting her. We worried it was because of us, but she assured us it wasn’t.

Him leaving was the best thing he could do for our family. Well, in the back of my mind, him dying would have been the best thing he could have done, but I never shared those thoughts with anyone, not even Cody.

“Jasper, I asked a question. Is it a problem that she’s coming to see you?”

Yes! What part of that wasn’t he understanding? “No,” I said petulantly.

“And lying to me is another swat for your punishment on Sunday.”

That meant my ass had a date with Tolly’s hand. Twelve smacks this week. What can I say? It had been eventful. There might have been a couple of mistruths in there, like serving him coffeecake and having him ask me if it was the one he liked. Of course, I said yes which was just a tiny white lie. Nothing to get bent out of shape about. Until he said it tasted off and found the package in the trash. Then he asked why I’d been less than honest with him. I tried to tell him I saved four bucks by buying this one.

That had led to yet another version of ‘the talk’.

See, Tolly had a really good job. He made more than enough to keep us in coffeecake until the end of time. In my youth, though? Money was tight. Really tight. And if Mom didn’t have enough to buy the old man his beer, there was hell to pay. It meant that necessities sometimes fell by the wayside. Many times we didn’t have soap to shower, so we had to do with just water. Toothpaste was a luxury we couldn’t afford, so our breath wasn’t the freshest. More than once we’d come down with something they called cradle cap due to a lack of shampoo. But we knew we had to be frugal.

That lesson had been ingrained in me, and I couldn’t break out of it. Things weren’t much better at Grandma’s. She loved us, and we knew it, but no way did she have money for feeding two growing boys. In fact, even though he denied it, I knew Cody skipped meals to save on the grocery bill. When I said I’d do the same, he forced me to sit and eat while he was watching me because, he said, he was already big, and I needed to eat to grow up.

Funny how that never happened.

“We have money, Jasper. Why are you so against spending it?”

How could I explain to someone who’d never wanted for anything? Whose parents, while probably not rich, were more than a little comfortable. Tolly told me his parents have a big house that had been in their family for generations. Mine was lucky to have an apartment. At least Grandma had a place we could live. Tolly’s place? While not the same as his folk’s, it was big enough to have a pool and a bungalow in the back that he called the mother-in-law cottage.

“You have money,” I reminded him for the umpteenth time, stressing the ‘you’ part. I had nothing. When I met Tolly, I was living off dollar pot pies and doing a crappy little office job I was in constant danger of losing due to my inability to get the work done to their satisfaction.

He’d sighed, wrapped me in his arms, and nuzzled my neck. “We have money,” he said. I’d heard it before. We could afford good, clean food. If I wanted one, he could get me a car. Nothing new or flashy, but solid and dependable. Like Tolly was. But I didn’t want or need a car. I didn’t even have a license. He already bought the food, then he cooked for me too. If I tried to eat too little, he always noticed and then did what Cody had. Sit and watch to ensure I was taking in what he thought was enough.

“Jasper? Why are you so worried about your mom coming? She’s bringing Cody.”

And that was when my brain short-circuited.

I loved Cody. More than I ever loved our father. It wasn’t difficult, of course. I knew Cody had taken more than one beating for me. I still got my fair share, but nothing like Cody and Mom got. I saw him once, about a week before the asshole moved out, and he had a big shiner and a bruise on the side of his face. When I ran to him and put my arms around his waist, he winced and pushed me back a little. He had to really be hurt, because Cody never pushed me away.

He assured me he was fine, that he would heal quickly, and then we could go to a ballgame. It was something the two of us had fun doing together. I admit, he enjoyed the game, I loved the players in the tight pants, the way it molded around their goodies. But we both had something we got out of it, so I always counted it as a win.

Two weeks later, not long after his eighteenth birthday, Cody was gone. Moved out. No forwarding address, phone disconnected, just poof. I was devastated, because my best friend in the world had disappeared. For nearly a year after that, I kept looking out the window, certain he’d be coming home any minute. He never did.

Grandma, who I clung to because I had no one anymore, assured me that Cody loved me, but that he had to go. She was sure he’d be back, but with every day that passed, I was less certain. I shed so many tears, I can’t even begin to tell you. Had I done something wrong? Did he leave because he hated me? Those thoughts consumed my mind, and each one rammed into another, darker belief. I was sure I was going to be alone forever, because I’d chased my mom and my brother away.

“Jasper, if you don’t talk to me, we’re going to have a problem,” came a deep rumble next to my ear.

I turned to find Tolly behind me, spooned in close, his hand sliding over my chest, dipping down to my stomach, then up once more. It wasn’t sexual, it was comforting.

“I don’t want to see them,” I finally said. “Please don’t make me.”

“All right, can I ask why?”

There was so much to tell him, so many thoughts and memories and emotions. “You have to work tomorrow,” I reminded him.

“Then you’d best get to telling me now.”

Tolly logic wasn’t at all logical, I swear.

But I told him. Everything. While he held me, my body shuddering with the gasping cries I was racked with. When I was done, he stroked my head as he held me to his chest.

“If you want, I’ll tell them they can’t come here.”

But then Tolly would be the bad guy. “No, I should be the one who lets them know.”

“You’re my boy, doof. Let me take care of you.”

And I wanted that. So damned much. But I also wanted to look them both in the eyes and demand to know what gave them the right to show up now? I was happy, mostly. I had someone who loved me with his whole heart, and now they wanted to come here and rip that heart out? I don’ t think so.

“No, I have to do this.”

“All right. Do you want me to stay home tomorrow?”

Yes! God, yes. “No, I’ll be okay.”

He didn’t believe me for a moment, and continued to hold me throughout the night. I know, because I wasn’t able to fall asleep as I worried what the next day would bring.

The next morning I got out of bed at four and scrubbed the toilet, then went to work on the kitchen until it sparkled. Tolly came down and stood in the doorway, arms crossed, staring at me.

“What?” I snapped.

“And that’s one more,” he said, the smug fucker.

I took a deep breath. “Is something wrong, my dearest Tolliver?” I asked as sweetly as I could.

“Explain to me what you’re doing,” he insisted.

“Cleaning,” I said, but that should have been more than obvious. “I don’t want them to find out what kind of slob I am.”

He chuckled. “Slob? Baby, the house is spotless. Besides, I thought you were going to tell them to go.”

I wanted to, I really did, but I needed answers and the only ones who would have them were coming to see me. “I have questions.”

He slid his fingers through my hair. “I can still call off, you know. You don’t have to do this alone.”

And I appreciated that more than I could say. “No, it’ll be okay. Go to work, and let me deal with this. I’ll call you once they’re gone.”

“Deal.” He kissed me, slowly, tenderly, with lots of tongue, just the way I liked it. I thought about having him call off so we could go have a little early morning delight, but this uncertainty had to end. Tolly slid his hand down to my butt and gave it a squeeze. “I love you. Always remember that.”

And I would. Or at least I’d try. My brain didn’t always cooperate.

Tolly got into the black 2022 Jeep Wagoneer, which he got not for its looks, but because it was solid and dependable. I loved that about him. He kept watching in the mirror, probably figuring I’d change my mind and chase after him, but let’s be real. My legs were not meant for running. Like, at all.

Once he was gone I took a deep breath, then went back into the house. One way or another, this nagging doubt that my brother hated me would end today.

The car pulled up at about noon. The first person to get out was my mom. Even after all these years, I knew her. Yes, she was older, but she still looked pretty much the same, with her dark hair and tanned skin. The only thing different was the  black pantsuit she had on. She looked crisp and polished. I went to the door and opened it, ready to do battle, when the passenger door opened and a man stepped out. I knew the face as well as I know my own, but that was where the similarities ended.

Cody was… bigger. A lot bigger. Not tall, but wide. He had muscles that rivaled Tolly’s, with a shaved head and I caught a bit of a tattoo under his sleeve. He said something to Mom, then looked at the house, As soon as he did, our gazes locked and I was torn between screaming at him or running to hug him.

I chose option A, but my feet wanted option B even more. I was off the porch and hurtling toward him until I was close enough I could leap. I thought he’d catch me, just as he’d done when we were kids, but he held up a hand and stopped me in my tracks.

“Cody?”

His lip quivered. “Am I welcome?” he asked, his voice deeper, huskier than I remembered.

Was he? It would be easy to say no, to storm away and not look back, but this was Cody, the man who’d been my champion my whole life. Was it fair of me to turn him away after everything he’d done for me?

“You are,” I assured him.

Then he snatched me up and pulled me close, whimpering. I buried my face in his neck. He smelled the same, that warm, musky scent that always made me feel safe.

“I missed you so much, Jas,” he whispered in my ear, squeezing me hard enough that my spine popped. Well, no need to see the chiropractor this month.

I glanced over and saw Mom smiling at us and it finally registered.

“Why are you here with Mom?” I asked.

“There’s a story to that,” Mom said, her voice as soft as always. “Can we go inside?”

I led them toward the door, making sure to keep an eye on them so they didn’t disappear. Mom’s eyes widened when she crossed the threshold.

“It’s a beautiful place, Jasper.”

“Thank you. Did either of you want coffee or juice? Maybe something to eat? It’ll be whatever Tolly left me to heat up, because I’m not allowed to cook.”

Why did I tell them that?

“What did you burn this time?” Cody asked, and I could hear the weary humor.

“Scrambled eggs in a cast iron skillet. And I started a fire with the coffee maker.”

Cody sniffled as he grabbed my arm and pulled me to him, hugging me tight. “You have no idea how much I missed you,” he said again. This time? I got angry and pushed away from him.

“And yet you fucking disappeared for eight years! What did I do wrong? Why did you have to go?” I tilted my head, not wanting him to see me break down. “Why did you leave me?”

Mom cleared her throat. “Like I said, there’s a story there. Will you hear it?” Her voice was old, raspy. Not the one I recalled. And that made me think how long they were both gone from my life, and my rage rose higher.

I believed my anger was righteous and deserved. Neither of them had done me the courtesy of a call, and now they show up here and want me to listen to them?

“Fine,” I snapped. No! That wasn’t what you were supposed to say. Stupid mouth. I had wanted to say no fucking way, but it was forever getting me into trouble. No wonder Tolly felt the need to swat my ass so many times.

“Mom, maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

She put her hand on Cody’s arm. “We have to deal with it. Especially now.”

Especially now? What did that even mean? “What do you mean?”

She squeezed Cody’s arm. “Go on.”

Cody’s eyes drifted shut. “Do you remember the day I left?”

How could I forget? It was indelibly etched into my mind. Waking up, being unable to find him. The staggering realization that I was well and truly alone.

“Yes,” I barely managed to croak out.

“I went because I found Dad,” he whispered.

My heart was being crushed. That was the only thing that could explain the pain in my chest. “And?”

He opened his eyes and pinned me with a stare. “You have to understand. I hated him. Every fucking thing he stood for, I loathed.”

“Me too,” I answered.

His smile was watery. “Not like me,” he assured me. “You were just a kid. A little boy, who should only have to worry about playing games, doing homework, becoming smarter, and growing up a good man.”

“I wanted to,” I told him. “I wanted to be like you.”

And now the tears came in earnest. “I wasn’t a good man, Jasper.”

“You were!” I insisted, remembering every thing he’d done to make my life better.

“No. You wanted to know why I was gone so long? Why I didn’t come back or write? I was in prison. For eight years.”

“What the absolute fuck?” I screamed. “Why?”

He turned away from me. “I committed murder. I… I killed Dad.”

The air was sucked from the room, and I found it hard to breathe. “What?”

When he turned back, his eyes were huge, round, panicked. “My intention was to confront him about the shitty things he did when we were younger. He beat Mom and he… he….”

Mom stood and wrapped him in a hug as he sobbed into her shoulder. She looked at me, her gaze filled with pain.

“He used to molest your brother. He would go into his room late at night and….” Her face scrunched up and tears were streaming from her eyes. “I couldn’t stop him. I tried, I swear to God, but no one believed me. I told him I’d go to the police, but he said if I did that, he’d hurt Cody even worse.”

“No one helped because when they tried, I always denied it,” Cody murmured. “I thought it was shameful that I couldn’t stop him. He kept assuring me I enjoyed it, and he continued doing it. Almost every goddamn night until he left. And late one evening, I saw him going into your bedroom and I went to him and said I would do it willingly, if he left you alone.”

My stomach lurched. I needed Tolly, right now. I fumbled my phone as I pulled it from my pocket, and it clattered to the floor. Mom and Cody looked at me, but neither asked what I was doing. When I was finally able to retrieve the damn thing I pressed his contact my heart hammered as I waited for him to answer.

“Jasper?”

“I—I—I…. Tolly, I need you. Now, please. Please, Tolly, I need you here.”

I was babbling, and I knew it, but my mom and brother had just dropped a huge bomb on me, and I didn’t know how to process it. My brother had murdered our father. My father had molested Cody, and was apparently planning on doing the same thing to me. I hung up and tried to pretend things weren’t crumbling around me.

We all took a seat and sat quietly. I heated up the food Tolly had left, because I needed something to do. No one touched it. Not that I could blame them. Tolly was a good cook, but just looking at food made me nauseous. About twenty minutes later the door opened and Tolly rushed into the kitchen and pulled me to his chest, holding me close and stroking my hair.

“Tolly, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I choked out.

“Jasper, honey. Listen to me. Tell me what’s wrong. Please, you’re scaring me.”

His gaze snapped to my mom and Cody.

“What the fuck did you do to him?” Tolly snarled.

Cody buried his face in his hands. “Told him the truth,” he said.

“It’s not them, I promise.”

The story came out slowly, haltingly, with each of us filling in the bits of information. When I looked up, I expected to see censure in Tolly’s gaze, but all I saw was horror as our words sank in.

“And for that you went to prison?” he asked.

Cody nodded. “I confronted him at his place. He had a girlfriend he was living with at the time, and she had a six-year-old daughter. It was the little girl I couldn’t get out of my mind. I’d seen that haunted look on my own face, and I knew what he’d been doing to her. When he grabbed her and pulled her into his lap, I knew the fear on her face. My brain shut down and I pushed her aside, then started beating on him, just like he used to do to us. I had him down on the floor, and he was begging for me to stop. I remembered those nights. The pain, pleading with him to stop, and what the fuck good did it do me?” His head snapped up. “I beat him to fucking death, and I don’t regret it one second.”

“But surely there were circumstances the court took into account,” Tolly said.

Mom leaned in. “I had to convince the woman Kurt—my ex—had lived with to testify. At first she refused, but then a few months later, she found bloodstained underwear in a box and she knew what he’d done.” Mom sighed. “My mom called and told me what happened, and I rushed to be with Cody. We both told our stories, but they didn’t listen. Cody was sentenced to twelve years for voluntary manslaughter. I stayed there so I could be close if he needed anything and to try to get them to look into it again.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” I demanded.

“Because you were in no position to help him, and Cody  didn’t want you to carry the guilt around.”

Anger again welled up in me and I was ready to launch into a tirade. At least until Tolly dragged me to the sofa and pulled me down beside him, wrapping around me while the venom leached out of my system.

“At first the courts didn’t want to reopen the case. They said, based on the evidence, the sentence was proper and Cody sat there. The woman, Jill, finally told them Kurt had beaten her too, but when she found the underwear and discovered what he’d done to her kid? She was angry, hurt, and devastated, but it still took her a long time to come forward. She said how sorry she was, and how she would have killed him herself if he was alive. The court finally reopened the investigation, and decided that Cody had acted in the heat of the moment. They said it mitigated his crime, and he was given parole with time served.”

“Why, Cody?” I whimpered.

“I didn’t want you to know,” he replied. “I’d always been your hero, and I couldn’t stand the thought you’d look at me differently. My plan was to serve my sentence, then just go away so you’d never have to see me again. I didn’t realize Gram called Mom and how that would change everything. It was Mom who told me I needed to come here and tell you the full story. I’m so sorry, Jasper. I know you have to hate me now.”

Hate him? He gave up everything, his life, his future, his freedom, to protect me and a little girl he didn’t even know. How could I possibly hate him? Tolly let go of me and I rushed to my brother and threw myself into his arms, like I’d done so many times when we were kids.

“I could never hate you,” I promised him. He clutched me tighter and wept into my neck.

“I was so scared you’d tell me to go,” he admitted.

“I don’t want you to go,” I said. “I need you to stay where I can find you. You’re not just my brother, you’re my best friend. I love you so damn much.”

“Love you too,” he said quietly.

We stood there for ten minutes, just holding each other, letting the calm seep into us. Once I’d said I wished the old man dead. Now that he was? I knew I should feel guilty, but I couldn’t. He’d hurt too many people, and him being dead was a blessing for all of us.

Except Cody, who would bear the guilt for what he’d done for the rest of his life.

“When I got to Cody,” Mom said, “he looked awful. He had dark bags under his eyes, and he seemed haunted. Then I found out why, and I understood. I wish I had killed him when I had the chance, but I was too afraid of him and what he’d do to you if I messed up. I’m so sorry for that.”

Cody glanced at me, then his eyes flicked to Mom. We moved as one and surrounded her in a double embrace. I was surprised when Tolly joined in. He smiled at me.

“My family needs me,” he said like it was a duh. And he was right. We did. We always would. I knew he didn’t sign up for the dysfunctional group we had, but hey, if he could handle me, he could be there for the whole set.

Mom stepped back and peered up at Tolly, then her gaze went to me. “So tell me about the two of you.”

That was a story I was happy to share. I started from the moment I was shopping at the store and how we’d met. How Tolly had protected me from the behemoth who wanted to steal my stuff. All the while, Cody smiled wide.

“I’m glad you found someone to take care of you,” he said.

I reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze. “Me too. I need Tolly, just like I need you and Mom. Please, don’t ever leave me out of the loop again.”

“We won’t,” Mom promised. “I should have remembered you’re not a kid anymore. I’m sorry.”

The truth was, I probably wouldn’t have handled it well. I’d only started getting a handle on myself after meeting Tolly. Prior to that, without my family, I was a mess and I could admit that.

As Tolly sat chatting with Cody and Mom, I took the time to actually see my family. What Stitch had said was true. We’re small and broken, but still good.

Yeah, still good.